Hell, Ohio

Written by Jeff Kelly

Folks in Westerville, Ohio have recently discovered that prohibition ended 73 years ago...Wait, what’s that, they have had a ban on alcohol since 1875?

This small town in Ohio has been dry for 131 years, and in related news, the population of Westerville has been plummeting for 131 years.

"Here's to a new tradition in Westerville," local jeweler Bill Morgan said as he raised his plastic cup of Budweiser at Michael's Pizza, the first business to sell beer in the town since Larry King was born.

The ban was lifted on "the dry capital of the world" on Thursday, and Galileo's Gambit has learned that the suicide rate in this central Ohio city has decreased faster then The Man Show ratings after Jimmy Kimmel left.

This just in it is impossible to match that epic collapse.

The night of the election, Michael's Pizza owner Michael Evans said he would auction off the first beer, with the proceeds going to a local ministry. What we don’t understand here at Galileo's Gambit is why the proceeds are going to the local ministry when they logically should be forwarded straight to a program providing shrinks for everyone in Hell. I mean Westerville, Ohio.

Morgan, whose family has lived in Westerville for four generations, topped five other bidders to win the first beer served in Westerville for $150.

"My dad said it would never happen," Morgan, 51, said as he prepared to drink the beer.

Yea Bill, neither did your grandfather. And your great grandfather. And Jesus.

The experts at Galileo's Gambit predict the cable TV ban may be lifted in Westerville within the next three centuries.