Stickin' a Needle in Humanity

Written by Jeff Kelly

Gluttony may be a sin, but that sure doesn’t stop Major League Baseball from devouring every feasible way to strangle the nickels and dimes out of loyal fans around the globe.

That and Donald Fehr, the Players Association President, has sued God for the rights of every deadly sin.

Major League Baseball has claimed property over every statistic accumulated by their players and has filed suit against fantasy baseball sites, who they say "have stolen" from MLB for decades now.

Jim Gallagher, a spokesman for Major League Baseball Advanced Media, baseball's Internet arm, declined comment on the lawsuit, scheduled for a hearing this summer in U.S. District Court in St. Louis, Missouri. (CNN)

It is believed Gallagher and his associates are currently congregating on the shores of Styx in the depths of hell devising a way to incarcerate orphans, the homeless, and the mentally retarded.

Why is Major League Baseball launching a crusade against 12-25-year-old men who are attempting to somehow survive through the long, painful baseball season? The pain can be excruciating.

Especially if you're a Phillies fan.

I'm flustered we're moving on.

God dammit.

Is it roid rage? Is this the after effects of the sobering process?

Galileo's Gambit has also learned that Major League Baseball plans to sue the NBA and the NFL. MLB claims that they were the first sport to use a ball, and unless they receive royalties, all balls in the world should be confiscated. Sorry kids, but it looks like recess will be conducted with hypodermic needles and a bottle of oxycodones.

Oh and John Kruk, you have no need to worry, even they wouldn't leave you on empty big fella. That right one is yours to keep.

It has also come to our attention that Major League Baseball is suing the sock industry. Baseball claims that the rise in sales on red and white socks is directly related to the Boston Red Sox and the Chicago White Sox winning the World Series.

Baseball may have finally taken the needle out of their ass, but they forgot to put their pants up.

Hell, Ohio

Written by Jeff Kelly

Folks in Westerville, Ohio have recently discovered that prohibition ended 73 years ago...Wait, what’s that, they have had a ban on alcohol since 1875?

This small town in Ohio has been dry for 131 years, and in related news, the population of Westerville has been plummeting for 131 years.

"Here's to a new tradition in Westerville," local jeweler Bill Morgan said as he raised his plastic cup of Budweiser at Michael's Pizza, the first business to sell beer in the town since Larry King was born.

The ban was lifted on "the dry capital of the world" on Thursday, and Galileo's Gambit has learned that the suicide rate in this central Ohio city has decreased faster then The Man Show ratings after Jimmy Kimmel left.

This just in it is impossible to match that epic collapse.

The night of the election, Michael's Pizza owner Michael Evans said he would auction off the first beer, with the proceeds going to a local ministry. What we don’t understand here at Galileo's Gambit is why the proceeds are going to the local ministry when they logically should be forwarded straight to a program providing shrinks for everyone in Hell. I mean Westerville, Ohio.

Morgan, whose family has lived in Westerville for four generations, topped five other bidders to win the first beer served in Westerville for $150.

"My dad said it would never happen," Morgan, 51, said as he prepared to drink the beer.

Yea Bill, neither did your grandfather. And your great grandfather. And Jesus.

The experts at Galileo's Gambit predict the cable TV ban may be lifted in Westerville within the next three centuries.